I suppose aging does bring about change...

Hello dear readers,

The past few months have definitely been eye-opening for me. In fact, I think the past 8 months have been rather interesting.

I've always considered myself a person who is rather set in his ways... especially when it comes to relationships. I've always told myself (and others around me) that I've never pictured myself as the type to get married. In fact, I used to joke that I used to want to get married only because I used to want a ring; then, one day while I was in Mexico I purchased a ring for myself. After that day I told myself I never had any reason to get married! Ultimately, I think I was so persistent on not getting married because it felt as though every relationship around me was a complete failure. I didn't exactly grow up with parents who were in love and served as role models as to how a relationship should be. Growing up many of my peers and friends came from "broken homes" or had parents who were married only for the sake of being married. All that negativity as a child/teenager really convinced me I didn't want it in my life. I used to think to myself, "If this is how relationships are, then I don't want them in my life; I don't want to waste my time or involve myself in all the negativity."

So, for the longest time I have been so persistent on avoiding romantic relationships. I used to think, "What's the point?" I was rather successful at avoiding relationships and romantic encounters... that is, until summer of 2007. It was the first time I really fell hard for someone. It was nice for the two months it lasted. But then it ended... and I was crushed. I was so upset, mostly at myself for letting myself become so vulnerable and opening up to someone because I tend to be a rather reserved person. Once I feel like I can really trust a person, I'll let myself be completely open and honest. But this experience made me hesitant and, in fact, made me revert. I decided it wasn't worth the hurt and pain. So... I went back to avoiding relationships at all costs.

Then, in May of 2008 (actually February, but it wasn't until May when I actually got to know this person better), I started to change my mind. I met someone who seemed genuinely sincere. It was nice because this person and I took our time getting to know each other. Because of the geographic distance between us, we weren't able to see each other. So, we spent tons of time getting to know each other via phone conversations, text messages, and emails. It was so great because it allowed us to be open and share our thoughts. There was no "physical relationship," but it didn't matter because our conversations were so much greater than any touch or kiss.

However... I let my thoughts mess up things.

This person and I started getting close... too close for my own comfort. I started to close off. Once this person and I were actually in close proximity, I started to physically and emotionally distance myself. I felt as though I should stop things before they progressed any further. I felt as though there was no point in going any further because I "knew" it wasn't going to work out. So... I completely shut down and acted as though I was emotionless and completely unaffected while said person was more than obviously crushed. I could tell he was so confused; after all, we had spent nine months getting to know one another and becoming close. I told myself it was for the best -- because, after all, I thought I wasn't meant to have a relationship and I had told myself I didn't want one. I convinced myself I didn't need the hurt associated with a relationship and should enjoy my senior year instead.

A few months later, the same thing started to happened again -- this time with a friend in my dorm who happened to also be from Colorado. This person and I started to get close... very quickly. Only a few weeks into it, I did it again: I closed off and shut down. It was as though my conscience reminded of all the horrible relationships I had witnessed growing up and reminded me of the anti-relationship vow I made when younger. It was horrible, but I yet again distanced myself. Once summer began and said person and I were both back in Denver, we tried doing the whole "relationship" thing again. This person was open about falling for me and wanting a committed relationship, but for some reason I just could accept it. All of his honesty and openness just made me revert and distance myself even more. I could tell my resistance was angering and hurting him beyond words. Inside, I felt bad... but for some reason I just couldn't get over my reservations.

It wasn't until it was too late that I made some startling revelations.

During the past few weeks I've had a lot of free time on my hands. During this time, I often go for walks or go for drives. While out on my walk or drive I would think (I've noticed, along with worrying, thinking is a great hobby of mine... haha). I initially started thinking a lot about a reoccurring dream I was having. In the dream I was getting married. When I first had this dream, I was confused because (like I said before) I never pictured myself getting married. However, the more I had this dream, I realized I was very happy in the dream. I was also surprised by whom I was marrying in the dream. The more I thought about this dream and the past few months, the more I started to have great realizations.

I realized my avoidance of relationships doesn't really have much to do with the negative relationships I witnessed while growing up (well... not completely, anyway). I realized I've been avoiding relationships and have done my best to avoid getting close to someone because I am insecure. I am afraid of being hurt. I know this sound hypocritical, seeing how all of my actions towards relationships have brought nothing but hurt to others. But I honestly feel deep down inside I am somewhat afraid to take a risk and be vulnerable. I've realized relationships are all about risks and being vulnerable. After all, if you don't take a risk and attempt to get to know someone on a deeper level, you may be missing out on countless great experiences and insights! I've realized I've been a coward and have been running away from possibly great experiences. It's stupid to begin a relationship with any type of expectation. When a relationship is new, there's no way of determining what will happen! You just have to roll with the punches and hope for the best. No relationship is perfect; each relationship is bound to have its issues and problems. But when you're able to put forth the effort to overcome the problems, your relationship will become even more meaningful. I've realized I've been wrong. I've made several mistakes.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying I want to rush out and get married. At the same time, I'm not saying I want to jump into a relationship with just anyone. Relationships are a lot of work. What I am saying is I am more open minded about being in a relationship. I've realized time is not on my side. However, if I had the chance to go back in time I definitely would. I feel so guilty for the hurt I've caused, but I know there's very little I can do now. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the future holds and attempt to remain optimistic.

Well, I think this is enough for one night. Tune in next time when I share my secret baked eggplant recipe... just kidding.


Signing out,
Josh