Emotional Mess..... but not really.

How emotional is the average person?

Part of me thinks this would be an odd question to answer, seeing how every individual is "unique" and different. However, part of me can't help but wonder if I'm emotional enough.

It's no secret that I'm a very reserved person. It really take a lot of time for me open up and show my true emotions and thoughts. I don't know why, but I don't feel comfortable being open with just anyone. I wish I had the nerve and strength to openly share my feelings and opinions with most anyone. Instead, I'm finding I'm really only completely honest and open with those I've known and trusted for long periods of time. Even then, I find myself holding back a lot. Why?

I'm not even sure how to answer this.

The other night last week I cried for the first time. It wasn't for long--only a minute or two--but it was honestly the first time I really cried and broke-down in probably almost a year. I happened to be home alone, thinking about all the things going on in my life (I also happened to be watching the movie "Ghost" which always makes me feel sad, but that's another story for another time). It was as though I could no longer keep it all in and needed to let it out. I'm not sure.

It just made me wonder if I'm weird for not opening up more with others. It takes a lot for me to trust people. I suppose part of me is really insecure and afraid of the perceptions of others. I know I really shouldn't care what others think, but I hate being judged. I hate being judged and I hate being a pity-case. I never want others to feel sorry for me again (I've been the pity-case before and I didn't like it). Am I the only person who feels this way? I'm sure I'm not... but it often feels this way.

I'm not really looking for any answer. My point in writing this is just to give some insight as to how I feel and how I think. Many think I'm "cold-hearted" and "unsympathetic" because I choose to not show many emotions. But the truth is it's just difficult for me. This has really impacted and affected personal relationships in my life, so I suppose this is something I should work on........ in time, that is.

Well, I think that's enough for the time-being. I should get to bed. Keep an eye out for my next blog......... even though I don't know when it will be and what it will be about.


Signing out,
Me


P.S. -- Sorry if this was random, hard to read, or made little sense.... but I warned you about this in my first blog! :)