The One...

Dating has always been a weird concept for me. If you know me (or if you've read any of my prior posts), then you know I've never been a huge fan of relationships. I've never had much desire to be in a relationship. I've always been an independent person who enjoys being alone and not worrying about how my actions and decisions impact or affect somebody else. Well . . . I've had a change of heart. Yes, for the first time in a long time I'm somewhat longing for a special companion.

HOWEVER . . . I'm torn about how to progress.

Like I said, dating has always been a weird concept for me. We're raised told that we're supposed to search for "the one" who completes us and makes us truly happy. My questions is: how do we know who "that one" is? I once read that on average a person dates 12 guys/girls before actually finding "the one." Part of me longs to meet new people... and another part of me feels like this is a waste of time. Why should I waste time "dating" guys who I know don't wow me and most likely won't do it for me in the long run?

I have this circular reasoning (which probably doesn't make much sense right now) which is keeping me from dating. I just know I don't want to be alone. Yes, I'm still independent. But I've realized you can be in a relationship and still retain some independence. I know I'm still very young and shouldn't expect to find "the one" right away. However, I'm very discouraged because since returning to Denver I have yet to find someone that truly intrigues me and and intellectually challenges me. Instead, I keep meeting guys who are intimidated by the fact that I have a degree from Cornell or the fact that I'm a paralegal at an international law firm. I'm at a loss.

I hate to admit it, but . . . I think my views and feelings towards dating at the moment are being skewed because of two guys in particular. I'll say it . . . there are two guys I still have feelings for -- both for different reasons. I essentially screwed up with both guys at one point in the past. For some reason, I'm finding it difficult to "move on." I'm still friends with both (one more so than the other at the present moment) and I wouldn't change that for anything; both guys mean much to me. But . . . I'm torn.

Anyway, here are the lyrics to two songs I have been listening to a lot lately. They both relate to some of the emotions I've been feeling . . .


"Happy" - Leona Lewis

Someone once told me that you have to choose,
What you win or lose,
You can't have everything;
Don't you take chances,
Might feel the pain,
Don't you love in vain,
Cause love won't set you free;
I can't stand by the side,
And watch this life pass me by;
So unhappy,
But safe as could be...

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground?
I gotta find my place,
I wanna hear my sound;
Don't care about all the pain in front of me,
Cause i'm just trying to be happy...
Just wanna be happy, yeah...

Holding on tightly,
Just can't let it go;
Just trying to play my role,
Slowly disappear, ohh;
But all these days, they feel like they're the same,
Just different faces, different names,
Get me out of here;
I can't stand by your side, ohh no...
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by...

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground?
I gotta find my place,
I wanna hear my sound;
Don't care about all the pain in front of me,
Cause i'm just trying to be happy...
Just wanna be happy, yeah...

So many turns that I can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road;
But don't say victim,
Don't say anything...

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground?
I gotta find my place,
I wanna hear my sound;
Don't care about all the pain in front of me,
Cause i'm just trying to be happy...
Just wanna be happy, yeah...



"Sort Of" - Ingrid Michaelson

Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart,
And baby, you've got the sort of face to start this old heart,
But your eyes are warning me this early morning,
That my love's too big for you my love...

Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me,
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me;
I find you stunning, but you are running me down;
My love's too big for you my love...
My love's too big for you my love...

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no,
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show,
And if I was stronger then I would up and go,
But here I am and here we go again...

Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me;
My loves too big for you my love...
My loves too big for you my love...

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no,
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show,
And if I was stronger then I would up and go,
But here I am and here we go again...

Tell me what to do, to take away the you...

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no,
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show,
And if I was stronger then I would up and go,
But here I am... and here we go again.


-Josh

P.S., My apologies if this does not make much sense . . . I was letting my mind wander.