A New Year... a New Perspective.

Hello my dear readers,

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope all three of you (because let's face it, I don't have many readers) had a great and safe holiday.

It's now 2010, which for many means starting fresh and starting over. However, I'm not sure if that's exactly how I am approaching this near year. This is a new year... but I'm not starting over or forgetting about the past by any means. Instead of making a silly resolution, like, vowing to lose weight or exercise more (both things many people often lose sight of and forget after one month into the new year), I've decided to take a new approach:

I'm going to try to be happier.

So, exactly how does one become happy? Okay, okay, I know what some of you are thinking: "And how do you plan on doing that, Mr. Sassy Pants??" Well, if you go to Barnes & Noble or any other well-known book store, I guarantee that you will see dozens of books about improving one's self-esteem and "how to be happy" in life. Well, I have not read any of these books -- nor am I claiming I have the "end-all' answer on how to be happy. At the same time, I've come to my own conclusion: being happy is nothing more than a mindset.

If you tell yourself that you're going to attempt to be a happier person and look at the bright side of things more often, then you're chances of being happier will increase greatly. It's no secret that I'm not the most positive of guy. I'm usually a pessimist, the one who fails to see the silver lining and is quick to get bummed out. But I've realized this is no way to live. When you're negative and choose not to enjoy life's simplest joys, then you really do miss out on a lot. I've decided I no longer want to miss out on all the great things out there.

I'm also being very realistic about this new "resolution." I completely understand that being positive is not an easy task. There are going to be days when I want to punch a hole in a wall and curse at every person that I encounter. However, I'm going to try to be calm and remind myself of all the great things in my life and all the great people by which I am constantly surrounded. I'm going to let myself "pout" and being negative from time to time (after all, I'm only human!), but I am going to always remind myself to put things into perspective. Things could always be much worse.

So, there you have it. It's a new year... so I'm taking on a new perspective. I'm going to strive to be a happier person. I've learned you cannot depend on others to make you happy; you've got to find your own happiness and sometimes that happiness needs to come from within. I have been blessed with great friends, an (occasionally) amazing family, the affection of a great guy in my life, as well as many wonderful material items. I am going to do my best to be most positive and not take all these great people and belongings for granted. I am going to be happy... because I want to be happy.

Happy New Year!

Signing out,
Josh

The One...

Dating has always been a weird concept for me. If you know me (or if you've read any of my prior posts), then you know I've never been a huge fan of relationships. I've never had much desire to be in a relationship. I've always been an independent person who enjoys being alone and not worrying about how my actions and decisions impact or affect somebody else. Well . . . I've had a change of heart. Yes, for the first time in a long time I'm somewhat longing for a special companion.

HOWEVER . . . I'm torn about how to progress.

Like I said, dating has always been a weird concept for me. We're raised told that we're supposed to search for "the one" who completes us and makes us truly happy. My questions is: how do we know who "that one" is? I once read that on average a person dates 12 guys/girls before actually finding "the one." Part of me longs to meet new people... and another part of me feels like this is a waste of time. Why should I waste time "dating" guys who I know don't wow me and most likely won't do it for me in the long run?

I have this circular reasoning (which probably doesn't make much sense right now) which is keeping me from dating. I just know I don't want to be alone. Yes, I'm still independent. But I've realized you can be in a relationship and still retain some independence. I know I'm still very young and shouldn't expect to find "the one" right away. However, I'm very discouraged because since returning to Denver I have yet to find someone that truly intrigues me and and intellectually challenges me. Instead, I keep meeting guys who are intimidated by the fact that I have a degree from Cornell or the fact that I'm a paralegal at an international law firm. I'm at a loss.

I hate to admit it, but . . . I think my views and feelings towards dating at the moment are being skewed because of two guys in particular. I'll say it . . . there are two guys I still have feelings for -- both for different reasons. I essentially screwed up with both guys at one point in the past. For some reason, I'm finding it difficult to "move on." I'm still friends with both (one more so than the other at the present moment) and I wouldn't change that for anything; both guys mean much to me. But . . . I'm torn.

Anyway, here are the lyrics to two songs I have been listening to a lot lately. They both relate to some of the emotions I've been feeling . . .


"Happy" - Leona Lewis

Someone once told me that you have to choose,
What you win or lose,
You can't have everything;
Don't you take chances,
Might feel the pain,
Don't you love in vain,
Cause love won't set you free;
I can't stand by the side,
And watch this life pass me by;
So unhappy,
But safe as could be...

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground?
I gotta find my place,
I wanna hear my sound;
Don't care about all the pain in front of me,
Cause i'm just trying to be happy...
Just wanna be happy, yeah...

Holding on tightly,
Just can't let it go;
Just trying to play my role,
Slowly disappear, ohh;
But all these days, they feel like they're the same,
Just different faces, different names,
Get me out of here;
I can't stand by your side, ohh no...
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by...

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground?
I gotta find my place,
I wanna hear my sound;
Don't care about all the pain in front of me,
Cause i'm just trying to be happy...
Just wanna be happy, yeah...

So many turns that I can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road;
But don't say victim,
Don't say anything...

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground?
I gotta find my place,
I wanna hear my sound;
Don't care about all the pain in front of me,
Cause i'm just trying to be happy...
Just wanna be happy, yeah...



"Sort Of" - Ingrid Michaelson

Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart,
And baby, you've got the sort of face to start this old heart,
But your eyes are warning me this early morning,
That my love's too big for you my love...

Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me,
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me;
I find you stunning, but you are running me down;
My love's too big for you my love...
My love's too big for you my love...

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no,
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show,
And if I was stronger then I would up and go,
But here I am and here we go again...

Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me;
My loves too big for you my love...
My loves too big for you my love...

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no,
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show,
And if I was stronger then I would up and go,
But here I am and here we go again...

Tell me what to do, to take away the you...

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no,
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show,
And if I was stronger then I would up and go,
But here I am... and here we go again.


-Josh

P.S., My apologies if this does not make much sense . . . I was letting my mind wander.

Am I weird?

This is going to be a quick blog, only because I'm bored at work and getting ready to go to lunch with one of my few friends here in the office. However, there is one things I've been thinking about lately:

Am I weird for being friends with most of my exes?

I know this really isn't much of an issue, but lately a few people have been a little weirded out by the fact that I am rather close and friends with most of my exes and some guys I've been semi emotionally and sexually involved with (I know... TMI). Is this really a weird thing? Are there not many people out there who keep close ties with exes and former flings? Am I in the minority? Don't get the wrong idea -- when I say I'm still close to my exes/flings, it doesn't mean there is still lots of sexual tension or intimate correspondences. I'm just saying many of these persons are now close friends of mine. I still talk to many on a regular basis. We share stories with each other and relate to one another about everyday happenings in our lives. Hell, some of my exes open up to me about their current relationships and/or sex lives and I have no problem with this. I'm just friends with these guys. I think it's because at one time I really opened up to and trusted these individuals and a lot of this trust still remains. The other day two separate guys told me that they think it's weird because they tend to cut off all ties with their exes. I can honestly say there's one ex of mine I could care less about communicating with or seeing any time in the future. Other than him, I still consider many of my exes close friends and confidants. Is this really that weird??

Well, it's now time for me to venture to a delicious Mexican restaurant (today is my "bad food" day... don't hate).


Signing out,
Me

Emotional Mess..... but not really.

How emotional is the average person?

Part of me thinks this would be an odd question to answer, seeing how every individual is "unique" and different. However, part of me can't help but wonder if I'm emotional enough.

It's no secret that I'm a very reserved person. It really take a lot of time for me open up and show my true emotions and thoughts. I don't know why, but I don't feel comfortable being open with just anyone. I wish I had the nerve and strength to openly share my feelings and opinions with most anyone. Instead, I'm finding I'm really only completely honest and open with those I've known and trusted for long periods of time. Even then, I find myself holding back a lot. Why?

I'm not even sure how to answer this.

The other night last week I cried for the first time. It wasn't for long--only a minute or two--but it was honestly the first time I really cried and broke-down in probably almost a year. I happened to be home alone, thinking about all the things going on in my life (I also happened to be watching the movie "Ghost" which always makes me feel sad, but that's another story for another time). It was as though I could no longer keep it all in and needed to let it out. I'm not sure.

It just made me wonder if I'm weird for not opening up more with others. It takes a lot for me to trust people. I suppose part of me is really insecure and afraid of the perceptions of others. I know I really shouldn't care what others think, but I hate being judged. I hate being judged and I hate being a pity-case. I never want others to feel sorry for me again (I've been the pity-case before and I didn't like it). Am I the only person who feels this way? I'm sure I'm not... but it often feels this way.

I'm not really looking for any answer. My point in writing this is just to give some insight as to how I feel and how I think. Many think I'm "cold-hearted" and "unsympathetic" because I choose to not show many emotions. But the truth is it's just difficult for me. This has really impacted and affected personal relationships in my life, so I suppose this is something I should work on........ in time, that is.

Well, I think that's enough for the time-being. I should get to bed. Keep an eye out for my next blog......... even though I don't know when it will be and what it will be about.


Signing out,
Me


P.S. -- Sorry if this was random, hard to read, or made little sense.... but I warned you about this in my first blog! :)

Random thoughts...

Hello friends,

Tonight I'm in a rather "chill" mood. I'm just relaxing in my room while listening to great music (some I recently received from someone I care much for). I figured I would post some random thoughts that have crossed my mind at some time over the years. Some of these thoughts are original and some are things I've heard/seen at one point in my life. They're all meant in good fun... sooo... enjoy!

_____ _____ _____ _____ _____

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. Has anyone ever typed the wrong letter when ending an email with the phrase "Regards" ?

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You would take the game cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQs. We just figured it out. Weird.

I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone is laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the BEST present ever. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure! I begin to think: "I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?"

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new guy or girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something they haven't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it ' s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Shouldn't it probably be called Unplanned Parenthood?

Sometimes I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

_____ _____ _____ _____ _____

So that's it for now. I'm sure there will be more random thoughts in the future. In the mean time, I'm off to bed!

Peace,
Josh

I suppose aging does bring about change...

Hello dear readers,

The past few months have definitely been eye-opening for me. In fact, I think the past 8 months have been rather interesting.

I've always considered myself a person who is rather set in his ways... especially when it comes to relationships. I've always told myself (and others around me) that I've never pictured myself as the type to get married. In fact, I used to joke that I used to want to get married only because I used to want a ring; then, one day while I was in Mexico I purchased a ring for myself. After that day I told myself I never had any reason to get married! Ultimately, I think I was so persistent on not getting married because it felt as though every relationship around me was a complete failure. I didn't exactly grow up with parents who were in love and served as role models as to how a relationship should be. Growing up many of my peers and friends came from "broken homes" or had parents who were married only for the sake of being married. All that negativity as a child/teenager really convinced me I didn't want it in my life. I used to think to myself, "If this is how relationships are, then I don't want them in my life; I don't want to waste my time or involve myself in all the negativity."

So, for the longest time I have been so persistent on avoiding romantic relationships. I used to think, "What's the point?" I was rather successful at avoiding relationships and romantic encounters... that is, until summer of 2007. It was the first time I really fell hard for someone. It was nice for the two months it lasted. But then it ended... and I was crushed. I was so upset, mostly at myself for letting myself become so vulnerable and opening up to someone because I tend to be a rather reserved person. Once I feel like I can really trust a person, I'll let myself be completely open and honest. But this experience made me hesitant and, in fact, made me revert. I decided it wasn't worth the hurt and pain. So... I went back to avoiding relationships at all costs.

Then, in May of 2008 (actually February, but it wasn't until May when I actually got to know this person better), I started to change my mind. I met someone who seemed genuinely sincere. It was nice because this person and I took our time getting to know each other. Because of the geographic distance between us, we weren't able to see each other. So, we spent tons of time getting to know each other via phone conversations, text messages, and emails. It was so great because it allowed us to be open and share our thoughts. There was no "physical relationship," but it didn't matter because our conversations were so much greater than any touch or kiss.

However... I let my thoughts mess up things.

This person and I started getting close... too close for my own comfort. I started to close off. Once this person and I were actually in close proximity, I started to physically and emotionally distance myself. I felt as though I should stop things before they progressed any further. I felt as though there was no point in going any further because I "knew" it wasn't going to work out. So... I completely shut down and acted as though I was emotionless and completely unaffected while said person was more than obviously crushed. I could tell he was so confused; after all, we had spent nine months getting to know one another and becoming close. I told myself it was for the best -- because, after all, I thought I wasn't meant to have a relationship and I had told myself I didn't want one. I convinced myself I didn't need the hurt associated with a relationship and should enjoy my senior year instead.

A few months later, the same thing started to happened again -- this time with a friend in my dorm who happened to also be from Colorado. This person and I started to get close... very quickly. Only a few weeks into it, I did it again: I closed off and shut down. It was as though my conscience reminded of all the horrible relationships I had witnessed growing up and reminded me of the anti-relationship vow I made when younger. It was horrible, but I yet again distanced myself. Once summer began and said person and I were both back in Denver, we tried doing the whole "relationship" thing again. This person was open about falling for me and wanting a committed relationship, but for some reason I just could accept it. All of his honesty and openness just made me revert and distance myself even more. I could tell my resistance was angering and hurting him beyond words. Inside, I felt bad... but for some reason I just couldn't get over my reservations.

It wasn't until it was too late that I made some startling revelations.

During the past few weeks I've had a lot of free time on my hands. During this time, I often go for walks or go for drives. While out on my walk or drive I would think (I've noticed, along with worrying, thinking is a great hobby of mine... haha). I initially started thinking a lot about a reoccurring dream I was having. In the dream I was getting married. When I first had this dream, I was confused because (like I said before) I never pictured myself getting married. However, the more I had this dream, I realized I was very happy in the dream. I was also surprised by whom I was marrying in the dream. The more I thought about this dream and the past few months, the more I started to have great realizations.

I realized my avoidance of relationships doesn't really have much to do with the negative relationships I witnessed while growing up (well... not completely, anyway). I realized I've been avoiding relationships and have done my best to avoid getting close to someone because I am insecure. I am afraid of being hurt. I know this sound hypocritical, seeing how all of my actions towards relationships have brought nothing but hurt to others. But I honestly feel deep down inside I am somewhat afraid to take a risk and be vulnerable. I've realized relationships are all about risks and being vulnerable. After all, if you don't take a risk and attempt to get to know someone on a deeper level, you may be missing out on countless great experiences and insights! I've realized I've been a coward and have been running away from possibly great experiences. It's stupid to begin a relationship with any type of expectation. When a relationship is new, there's no way of determining what will happen! You just have to roll with the punches and hope for the best. No relationship is perfect; each relationship is bound to have its issues and problems. But when you're able to put forth the effort to overcome the problems, your relationship will become even more meaningful. I've realized I've been wrong. I've made several mistakes.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying I want to rush out and get married. At the same time, I'm not saying I want to jump into a relationship with just anyone. Relationships are a lot of work. What I am saying is I am more open minded about being in a relationship. I've realized time is not on my side. However, if I had the chance to go back in time I definitely would. I feel so guilty for the hurt I've caused, but I know there's very little I can do now. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the future holds and attempt to remain optimistic.

Well, I think this is enough for one night. Tune in next time when I share my secret baked eggplant recipe... just kidding.


Signing out,
Josh

Hello (cyber) World!

Hello there my fellow readers (which I imagine are few in number at the moment... but that's okay)!

So, how's it going? I'm not quite sure how to begin this, so I suppose I'm just going to jump right in.

I've blogged before. In fact, it's one of my favorite pastimes. I loved it because it used to help me clear my mind, or simply vent and release things I preferred to not tell people in person. I've always had a difficult time vocalize things in a way that is completely understandable and relatable to whomever it happened to be I was talking to. I feel that writing (er... typing) is much better because you can put much more thought into your words to ensure you're "saying" exactly what you mean to "say." I like being able to go back and correct my phrases and words if needed. I like being able to think about exactly what it is I'm trying to relay to others. Sometimes it takes me awhile to find the perfect words to describe what is plaguing me or how I feel. When you're typing it's perfectly fine to walk away from the computer while you think of a particular phrase or word. You can't walk away from a person mid-conversation to think of the perfect word without the other person concluding you're either rude or crazy... or both! Plus, I think it's not completely healthy to keep all your thoughts and feelings bottled up inside yourself. So, I've decided to start blogging again.

I'm at a point in my life where blogging will hopefully prove to be beneficial and relaxing. I'm going through a... hmm... an "interesting" time. I've just moved back home to Denver after graduating. Not only am I dealing with the transition from being a student to a full-time employee, I'm experiencing a vast range of emotions and thoughts. I find myself thinking about (and often time, worried about) various things in my life... everything from work-life to my dating-life. I hope blogging will help me survive this transition and ultimately become a healthier and happier person.

So, I welcome you all to join me on this trek. I'm not promising to always be amusing and/or humorous. In fact, there are going to be days when my blog seems whiny or straight-up boring... but I promise I'm going to do my best to have very few of those types of blogs. After all, this is supposed to make me a happier and healthier person! There are going to be days when my blog is completely random and may make no sense whatsoever! I may decide to blog about something I saw or heard or about something that may not relate to my immediate life. Ultimately, I want to blog/type/write/whatever to enjoy myself and take my mind off of this craziness I call "life."

So... I hope you enjoy reading!

-Josh


P.S. - In case you're wondering about the title of my blog page, here's a funny story for you. I would like to say I immediately thought of the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol (which is a great song), but that just wasn't the case.

When I decided to create a blog, I was a bit torn about what I should call it. Should I go with something clever and witty? Should I pick something philosophical and thought-provoking? Should I use song lyrics that relate to me and my life? I was at a crossroad. Luckily I happened to be chatting with a dear friend from Cornell. She happened to mention our favorite Saturday Night live skit involving "The Lawrence Welk Show" and Junice -- a high-energy woman with a large forehead and a passion for bubbles, roadkill... and chasing cars. So there. Thank you Jannine (and Junice!) for influencing my blog! :)

Here's the link in case you're interested in checking it out:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/37752/saturday-night-live-the-lawrence-welk-show#s-p3-sa-i1

http://www.hulu.com/watch/73360/saturday-night-live-lawrence-welk